He's got that guilty feelin'
by TheNewMoo
Summary: CHAPTER 4 IS UP!!! Please R&R...so I know how my attempts at Nigel are going!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in Crossing Jordan...nor the show...just me stories and some random personal effects.  
  
This story takes place after Ockham's Razor and it's my first attempt to write CJ fanfiction...but review it please and help me get better!!!  
  
Nigel is sitting in his office on the phone...desperately trying to get in touch with Jordan...its told from his P.O.V. with what I think was going through his head. Some times he is talking to himself...that's in the (...) ok?  
  
("Where could she be?") I set the phone down on the hook and stared at it blankly. ("Where was she?") She snapped at me last night...after that print matched. I've never seen he like that-her eyes scared me the most. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head-(What if she's in trouble? What if she's hurt? It was all my fault for running that print....if anything happens to her I) --  
  
-knock knock- "Nigel? Hello....Earth to Nigel...you there?" Lily was standing in the doorway holding a clipboard, chewing on a pen, staring at me. "Is everything alright Nige?"  
  
I stared up at her with a blank gaze. My eyes were watering. I was so tired...and worried. Her face fell and she walked to my desk and sat across from me.  
  
"Nigel, what's wrong?"  
  
"It's Jordan-I haven't heard from her all night." Lily looked confused.  
  
"You never hear from Jordan at night...why would you need to hear from her?"  
  
"Yesterday...she found the match to the phantom print."  
  
"Phantom print? What are you talking about?"  
  
"You know Love...THE phantom print. The only print that was recovered from her mother's murder scene. I told her to watch out for herself and she snapped at me. Now I haven't heard from her all night and if she's in trouble...if anything were to happen to her I don't know what I'd do with myself..." I sank down in my chair and buried my head in my hands. I needed to FIND her, make sure she's alright...(make sure she's alright...you have to find her!) I heard Lily get up and come around my desk. She tenderly placed a hand on my shoulder, then brushed my hair out of my face and looked into my eyes.  
  
"You can't blame yourself for this Nigel-this is not your fault! Stop talking like that."  
  
"But I...I ran the print for her...it IS my fault!"  
  
-knock knock- "Nigel I need you to...sorry...am I interrupting something?" Garret walked into the room with a file in his hand and stopped, seeing Lily and me sitting there. "Is there something going on here that I need to know about?"  
  
I shook my head no, Lily nodded yes. I looked at her, then at him. "Have you heard from Jordan?"  
  
He shook his head. "No. Should I have?"  
  
I sighed, then told him the whole thing. He sat in silence, nodding occasionally, then asked if I had filed a report about it yet. I shook my head no. "I've been trying to call her all night...but I haven't been able to get in touch with her...cell phone...home...nothing!"  
  
Lily stared at me in shock "You've been here all night? Have you eaten anything? Have you even slept?"  
  
"Besides blanking out into nothing, no. And I'm not hungry...I need to find her." (I need to find her now! She could be anywhere by now...call her again!)  
  
Nigel, you should go home. I can get Bug to cover for you today. And STOP BLAMING YOURSELF."  
  
"But...it is my fault Garret. If I hadn't run that bloody print then this wouldn't be happening."  
  
-ring- I jumped at least a foot in my chair, then I lunged for the phone. "Hello?!" Lily and Garret looked at me anxiously. "Yes, this is Nigel...Hi Max...is Jordan ok? I listened as Max explained what had happened in shock. (Her brother? Shot at?) Garret glanced at Lily, then to me. "Thank you Max...talk to you later mate...bye." I hung up the phone and turned to face them.  
  
Lily looked at me with that look she gets...the one where she's confused and concerned at the same time. "And...? What did Max say?"  
  
"Jordan's alright. Well, not really but she's ok." I told them everything that Max had told me...down to the details. They stared at me shocked...Lily was about to cry, Garret just sat in stunned silence. We sat....staring off into the air...not believing what had happened. I realized that I should have never given her the results....I should have ran it and figured it out for myself...I had no reason to forgive myself for getting her hurt like I had...no reason at all. I just slumped onto my desk and laid there. A single tear rolled down my face and I wiped it away quickly. Lily touched me on the arm and told me to go home...I shook my head no and asked to be alone for a minute. Garret stood, patted me on the back, told me it wasn't my fault...then left. Lily stayed however...and I didn't mind. Somehow, she calmed me down...she made me feel safe...comfortable. Now all I had to do was talk to Jordan...to apologize for hurting her...and she wasn't coming in until tomorrow.  
  
END  
  
Please Please Please review this and tell me if it's any good, cause I have an idea for the next chapter of it...if I get ok reviews. Thanks! 


	2. Snow, just what everyone wants

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own any of the characters on CJ..I wish I did though....oh the FUN we could have...hee hee!  
  
This chapter is right after "He's got that Guilty feelin'" The next day. Same rules apply.  
  
I had NO idea what I was going to say to her. I had already done enough, said enough too much. I was planning on apologizing, I just didn't know how. Maybe I should tell her the truth that it was my fault. Or maybe I should ask her if she's ok first. Or maybe I...  
  
"Excuse me Nigel, but Dr. Macy would like to see you in his office." Lily peeked into the doorway. I stood up to leave and on the way out she whispered "Good luck Nigel."  
  
"Luck? I don't need luck Love...I'm past luck...I need a miracle now!" I winked at her as I walked past. I was nervous as all hell - I knew what he was going to say already. ("It's not your fault Nigel...it was all chance. You had no control over it.") I felt bad about laying all this stuff on Garret's mind - my stupid problems. I poked my head into the office and grinned nervously. "You wanted to see me Garret?" He glanced up from a file on his desk.  
  
"Yes. Nigel, sit down for a minute."  
  
I sat, and glanced around the room and at the floor. I saw Jordan's office - dark (When is she coming in?!?)  
  
"Nigel, I need to talk to you about Jordan." I nodded. "Now, she's alright - so don't freak out. But the question is are you ok?"  
  
I shrugged slightly and avoided his gaze. I stared at the floor. "I dunno...I guess so."  
  
"Are you sure? I don't want you to be all weird when Jordan gets here. She's been through enough stress already. She does NOT need you to put her on her with THIS. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"  
  
I sat in silence. I understood. I was shocked. Here Garret is telling me that I can't apologize. I was stunned. I HAD to argue. "But Garret - I"  
  
"No Nigel. Just let it go. You have to." He was stern, and her seemed concerned for Jordan. I supposed he was right. "You understand?"  
  
I nodded. "Yeah, I suppose so." I leaned back in his chair and sighed and shook my head in exasperation. "Remember, it's for HER good. "He raised an eyebrow at me. "You will NOT bring this up. Got it?"  
  
"Yes...alright already mate...enough." I just wanted to get out of there. I stood up and walked out of the office and walked down the hall...past the crypt...towards the front desk. Lily was typing on her computer. I walked up to the desk and nodded at her.  
  
"Hey Nigel. What's up?"  
  
"Not much. I'm taking my lunch now ok?"  
  
"Sure. Just sign out right here." She handed me the sign in board. "Everything ok?"  
  
"Yeah. I just gotta think some things over."  
  
"Ok, see ya later Nige!"  
  
"Later Love." I walked out and hit the elevator button. I stood, but it didn't take long. I went down, and just started walking. The air was crisp and there were dark grey clouds overhead. (Oh great...snow...just what I needed today.) I walked along the sidewalk until I found my self standing outside the cemetery. Just where I had wanted to end up. Not. But anyways, I walked in and wandered the graves...reading the dates, the things written on the tombstones. I found myself wandering...not thinking. I found myself in front of a tombstone. I realized where I was, and I didn't want to be there. Not there. Anywhere but here. I walked out of the cemetery quickly, not looking back. 


	3. Sleep Bliss

This chapter runs parallel to "Snow, just what everybody wants." This P.O.V is from different characters throughout the day.  
  
Disclaimer: I only own a 827lb. cow and clothes...not CJ unfortunately...dang. This is considered PG-13 because there's some swearing and a little drinking...  
  
~~LILY~~ I feel so bad for Nigel. He looks horrible. He's been here for two days, rarely sleeping. I only saw him asleep last night when I left. He's just been waiting for Jordan to show. He seems different since it happened. When he got that call from Max he freaked. I mean...he was CRYING. I've never seen him cry before. Ever.  
  
"Lily - I need you to tell Nigel to come in my office." Garret spoke, his voice obviously tired. "Tell him I need to speak to him."  
  
I looked up nervously. "What about, Dr. Macy?" Why did Garret want to talk to Nigel? Then I realized: it had to be about Jordan.  
  
"I just want to talk to him alright?" He stared at me over his glasses.  
  
He seemed really stressed out. I nodded, then walked out into the hall. I peeked my head into Nigel's office. He was sitting at his desk, staring blankly off into space. I could tell he needed sleep.  
  
"Nigel, Dr. Macy would like to see you in his office." He glanced up, then grinned.  
  
"Hey Love!" He spoke with that gorgeous British accent of his: "To what do I owe the honor of meeting with the almighty Doc.?" He was in a good mood. (At least he seemed that way.) He looked a little ragged around the edges. As he walked out of the room, I wished him luck. He replied in a typical Nigel-ism. "Luck? I don't need luck Love...I need a miracle now." I play smacked him, then watch as he walked down the hall.  
  
-----Later that same day, still Lily-----  
  
Nigel just left for his lunch break. He was acting all weirded out...(I bet Garret pissed him off or something. The elevator doors opened and Jordan stepped into the building. (Geez...she seems different...) She wandered up to the desk. I smiled "Welcome back Jordan."  
  
"Hey Lily. It's good to be back. Got any messages for me?" She seemed to be back to her old self. I dug up some slips and papers for her. I handed her the stack, she nodded and mouthed a 'thank you' then left. (Nigel...he wanted to talk to her...call him.) I picked up the phone and dialed his cell. No answer. I paged him, no answer. I paged him with an "urgent call". No answer. (Maybe his phone is just dead...)  
  
-----Same time...but now it's Nigel's turn...-----  
  
(Damn phone! Who the hell need me NOW?!) I glanced at my phone, then turned it off. I continued my walk away from the cemetery at a quick pace. (Damn...I wish I had something to drink!) I realized that I hadn't been to my apartment for two days, so I went.  
  
I walked in the door, threw my jacket down on the counter and looked at the mail piled all over the floor. I picked it up and sorted though it (Bills...magazine...letters...) There was one from my mum back in England. I tore it open, and slowly walked over to the fridge while reading. I was confronted with a menagerie of leftovers peering out at me. I pulled out a beer, cracked it open and took a drink. I kept reading. The letter was full of the same things it always was...how the family was doing...how I never write them...how much they miss me...same old-same old. The phone rang. I put down the letter, took another drink and answered it.  
  
"Hello?" "Hey Nigel it's Lily." "Oh hey Love...how did you get my home number?" "I looked it up. Look, I know you wanted to talk to Jordan...and she's here now." I sighed at the thought. "Macy won't let me talk to her now...she's going through too much stress as it is. "But Nigel...she'll tell you that it wasn't your fault."  
  
"But it is Lily." I took another drink. "It is." I heard her sigh on the other end, and I could picture her face. (Dammit you fool! Get your ass over to the office right now!) I knew I couldn't go. If I went I would talk to her. I was sure of it. "Well, Nigel, if you're gonna be like that - fine. You're just being stupid and illogical." I was actually shocked she said THAT. It was true, that was how I really was being. It just took her to show me. I muttered a goodbye, hung up, and downed the remainder of the beer. I glared at the phone for a good 10 minutes, then ripped the cord out of the back of it. (Didn't need that anyways...) I turned and walked into my bedroom. I switched the radio on, kicked off my shoes, pulled off my shirt, and slid into bed, still wearing half my scrubs. I was asleep within minutes. (Pure Bliss...sleeping in a bed...thank you God...)  
  
-----Back at the office.... Lily again-----  
  
("Why did I say that to him?") Nigel had sounded weird...a little too weird, even for him. I tried to call him back, but his phone was "disconnected". I began to worry about him. ("What if he does something stupid?") I decided to go talk to Garret...find out what he said to Nigel. I got up, walked down the hall, then knocked on his door. He waved me in, then went back to his phone conversation.  
  
"Yes Mrs. Johnson. We'll have your husband ready for the funeral home to come get him by tomorrow. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you...goodbye." He hung up, then peered over his glasses at me. "Yes Lily?"  
  
I didn't know how to ask him, so I just did it straight out. "What did you tell Nigel earlier? When you were talking to him?" He looked at me, confused.  
  
"Why? That was confidential."  
  
"I know Dr. Macy...it's just...I think Nigel's..."  
  
His voice softened. "What's wrong Lily? "Did he tell you something?" I nodded. "What did he tell you Lily? Tell me exactly what he said to you." I paused for a minute, then spoke.  
  
"He said you wouldn't let him talk to Jordan...he sounded pretty shook up about it." I glanced up at him nervously.  
  
"Of course he said that. She's going through a bunch of stress right now. She doesn't need him adding on more stress."  
  
"But...Nigel was very depressed sounding...almost scared. And I'm pretty sure he was drinking. I could hear him between sentences." I stared down at the floor. "I just wanted to tell him Jordan was here. But I said some stuff, then he hung up. Now his phone is "disconnected". I'm afraid he's going to do something stupid Garret...I don't want him to hurt himself..."  
  
-----Garret now...same time though.-----  
  
(Dear God.) What the hell was Nigel doing? I mean, here's Lily sitting in my office ready to cry because he gets drunk and disconnects his phone. I don't know how to deal with him sometimes...although he's less maintenance than Jordan...so at least that's positive. "Lily, did he say he was going to do anything stupid?"  
  
"No Dr. Macy...he just said goodbye and hung up. That's why it was weird. There wasn't a Nigel-ism this time."  
  
(Nigel-ism? He gets his own words now?) I thought for a minute, then sighed. "I guess we better take a field trip then. You got his address?" She nodded, and I stood. "Lets go then. We'll take my car." We stood and walked out of the office, past Jordan, who was very confused when she saw us walking out together. (Oh great...now she thinks we're "involved again") I shook my head at her, then hit the elevator button. In the parking lot, we felt the beginnings of a snowstorm blowing into Boston. "Just what we need huh Lily?" She smiled at me, then pointed out that Nigel's truck was still in his spot. (He must have walked to his apartment...in this weather?)  
  
On the way to his apartment, she didn't say a word. Not a word. Which was very weird for Lily. We walked up the steps to his door, and knocked. No answer. I looked at Lily, then tried the knob. It opened. We stepped inside and glanced around. We could hear some music playing from a room in the back, and we glanced down and saw the pile of mail all over the place. I counted two beer bottles, and then I saw the letter from his mom next to the now demolished phone. I pointed to it, and Lily breathed a sigh of relief. We walked towards his bedroom and saw his shoes and his shirt lying in the doorway. I looked at the bed and saw him sleeping. (Thank God...he's sleeping.) Lily walked over to the bed and touched him on the shoulder to try and wake him up. He rolled over, opened his eyes and stared at her. He looked at me, then at her, then threw the blanket over his head.  
  
-----Nigel's P.O.V. after being rudely awakened-----  
  
(What the hell? Why?) I looked up at Lily, and I couldn't talk for a few minutes. I had a headache, and I had been in the middle of a great dream. (Damn it all to hell....) I managed to croak out "Why are you here?" She smiled, and laughed.  
  
"We were worried about you. After we talked on the phone...you scared me." Her voice shook as she spoke.  
  
I sat up in the bed, and touched her face gently. (Her eyes are so beautiful....) I stared at her for what seemed like forever, until Garret broke in.  
  
"What the hell were you thinking Nigel? Do you not know how to control your emotions? You had us all worried sick about you. Jordan doesn't even know...I won't tell her either. Now take the rest of the day off and get over yourself." He turned and walked out of the room. "Come on Lily, we need to get back to the office."  
  
I took one look at her, and I kissed her gently on the cheek. "Go...before he bites your head off Love." She did, and I was left to myself and my thoughts...which sucked.  
  
PLEASE REVIEW THIS NEW CHAPTER PLEASE!!! (I was in a writey mood in case you couldn't tell...) 


	4. Headache

This chapter takes place after Sleep=Bliss, and will be the final one unless someone gives me a great new place to go with it. Its from Nigel's POV.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own CJ or any of its characters...ok?  
  
-----Nigel's apartment next morning-----  
  
I opened my eyes, and was "greeted" by blasting sun streaming into my room. I groggily rolled over and glared at the clock - 6:43. I muttered various curses under my breath, then sat up and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible, and my head hurt. I wandered into the bathroom and took a quick shower. I threw on some comfortable clothes and grabbed my keys. I had to be at the office in 10 minutes, and with the fresh coat of snow, it wasn't gonna be fun. I jogged out to the parking garage and stared at the spot where my truck should have been. Then I remembered. (You walked home yesterday...take the bike.) I pulled on my helmet, and took off. The air was cold, and there wasn't anyone out on the streets except for some kids walking to the school. On the way, I thought about what I was going to say to Jordan. I have plenty of time - the traffic was a damn mess. Somebody had skidded into a tree, and I saw the coroner's van on the scene. (Oh great...another case.) I parked my bike next to Jordan's truck, then walked into the building. The heaters were on full blast, thank God. I was calm until I stepped into the elevator. My heart rose into my throat as I got closer up. ("Why the hell am I so damn nervous?!") As soon as the doors opened, I froze. It only lasted a second, but it seemed like a lifetime. I walked up to Lily's little desk, grabbed the sign in board, scribbled my name, and set it down. I glanced around and saw Lily chasing after Bug down the hall...Jordan was in Autopsy One. Garret was in his office, leafing through this giant stack of papers with a bored look on his face. I slipped into my office, pulled of my jacket, and set it on the counter with my helmet. Bug wandered into the room gazing into a jar. "Hey mate! Found a new one there?" I tried not to laugh.  
  
"No...for your information this is a rare African fly...and I'm studying it. So leave me alone." He walked back out of the room after picking up a book on insects. Obviously, he wasn't in the best of moods. I realized I should probably go talk to Garret and apologize for last night. I walked into his office and sat on the edge of his chair. He looked up at me, and slowly sighed.  
  
"What do you want Nigel?" He glared at me, then his face lightened. "You still got that headache?"  
  
"Yeah, just a little though. How are you today?"  
  
He eyed me cautiously-"Fine...how about you?"  
  
"I'm good." In reality, I was as nervous as all hell. I was just hiding it.  
  
"I don't think you are. When else would you willing drag yourself into my office?"  
  
Damn. He got me. "I wanted to apologize for last night and my actions..." My voice cracked and I grabbed at my throat.  
  
Shaking his head, he replied. "Nigel, we all have bad days once in awhile. Don't worry about it."  
  
I immediately felt better. "Can I talk to Jordan yet?" His face fell.  
  
"Nigel, I would prefer if you didn't, but I know you're going to anyways...so be subtle ok?" I nodded. As long as I could talk to her, it's good. I bowed a thanks, then ducked out of his office.  
  
I actually didn't talk to her until later. She was in autopsy all day working on a case. She actually came to me.  
  
"Nigel, I need you to find me all you can on this John Doe alright? Where he was...who he was with...you know...the usual. I nodded, and grabbed the vials she was holding. She started to walk out, but I stopped her.  
  
"Hey, Love...wait." She turned to face me. "I...I just wanted to apologized for that hell of a mess I got you in the other night..." I paused, because my voice was about to break. "...I should have never have put you in that type of situation."  
  
She blankly stared at me. "Nigel, you think that was your fault?"  
  
"I don't think it...I know it was." I nodded.  
  
"Why the hell would you think THAT?"  
  
"Because!" I slammed my hand on the desk. "Because I ran that bloody print! Because I told you what it matched! Because I didn't stop you....I let you leave....then you almost got killed..." My voice trailed off weakly.  
  
She was surprised. "Nigel, I was fine."  
  
"Jordan - if I had lost you...I don't know what I'd have done with myself."  
  
She jumped up and hugged me tight. "Nigel, thank you. And I feel the same way about you."  
  
I looked down at her. "You do?" She nodded, then pulled me tighter. "So...this means Nige can't be stupid and run off to find his archenemy without telling me alright?!"  
  
I laughed..."Dammit Jordan...if you insist." I grew quiet. "Then I should be the one doing the thanking around here."  
  
She grabbed the vials off the desk. "Stomach contents and blood. For you."  
  
I bowed. "My God! It's just what I've always wanted!" I laughed, and grabbed them out of her hands.  
  
"I knew you'd love 'em!" She walked out of the room, and yelled behind her. "Thanks Nige!"  
  
I watched her leave, then smiled. Softly - "No Jordan, thank you."  
  
END  
  
Please Read and Review! Thanks muchos! 


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